I actually hear this question on a relatively regular basis. Although most people would probably assume that a husband's conceiving a baby with someone else means the end of the marriage, this is not always the case. Sometimes, the wife has children of her own with this man and doesn't want for her children to lose their on site father because of one bad decision. Other times, the husband is begging for forgiveness and swearing that the two of them can make it work if they just get help. Finally, I have even had women tell me that they feel compassion and some responsibility for the innocent child involved who now needs for everyone to act in a healthy and responsible way.
Still, this is a very difficult situation. Getting over an affair and saving your marriage is difficult enough. But, having a constant reminder and a reason for the couple to have to interact with the other woman on a regular basis makes things even more difficult. I have seen a few instances where couples have been able to save their relationship and remain married in this situation. Many of them have similar characteristics and take similar actions. I will discuss this more in the following article.
It's Often Necessary To Put The Child First When A Baby Is The Result Of An Affair: This seems to be a pretty straight forward concept. The innocent child can not control the way in which he was conceived. It's not fair for him to feel the resentment and negative feelings that surround this issue. However, it's easy to say all of this but it's very difficult to put this into practice. The baby can be a constant reminder of what happened and the wife will often feel very guilty of the resentful feelings that she can't seem to help.
However, I've seen couples who have been able to get help dealing with this and who have been able to turn the situation into a somewhat positive outcome. I've even seen couples who end up raising the child as their own. However, most people need outside help in order to be able to continuously do this in a healthy way.
I've also seen couples struggle greatly with this issue as they try to come up with a scenario that works best for and is bearable to everyone. The wife will often very much want to do the right thing, but there is a lot of resentment because she usually suspects that the other woman got pregnant on purpose or is using the baby to stay in the picture. There is also usually some resentment about the financial responsibilities that the family will now have to address. And the wife will often very much resent the husband's part in this and how his decisions have put them in this situation.
Saving The Marriage After A Baby Is Conceived During The Affair Almost Always Involves Including The Wife In The Healthiest Way Possible: It's not uncommon for wives to tell me that they very much want to keep the husband's baby with the other woman separate from their family. I will often hear things like "I know that this is his child and he must be responsible for it. But, he will have to do that on his own. This baby is not mine and I do not want for this to effect my family. He can do whatever he needs to do but he will have to keep that separate from us." This is understandable. It's often very painful for the wife to have to interact with the child and the other woman.
However, I have to tell you that I very rarely see this work out successfully. Usually, the wife will have serious trust issues every time the husband goes to spend time with the child. She will wonder what is going on between the husband and the other woman every time she isn't there to see what is happening. The husband will usually also struggle with conflicted, guilt feelings. It's natural for him to want to love the child and be a part of his life. But, he will often struggle greatly with the guilt that this invokes and he's very often caught in the middle between wanting to do right by his child and wanting to spare his wife and his family the pain that goes hand and hand with this.
That's why it's often necessary to involve the wife in a way that everyone can live with. Yes, the mistress or other woman may not like this. But, she is going to have to make compromises also. She is this situation because of the actions that she chose to take. The situation is not going to be a perfect one for any of the people involved. But, in order for this to work in a healthy way, every one is going to need to put in the effort to make it work.
The couple will often need to be very clear about every one's roles are going to be. It also helps to make it very clear to the other woman that the husband's relationship with her is limited to the needs of the child and that the couple will remain married and committed to one another. It's important that she understands that although the husband (and his family) will be there for the child, this commitment to the new child is not going to affect his commitment to his wife and his family. Often once the other woman completely understands and accepts this, she will begin to realize it's a waste of time to try to take advantage of the situation and she should now worry about the well being of her own child.
In short, the marriage can sometimes be saved when the husband's affair produces a child with the other woman. But, there are also often many issues to work out and every one will have to make a very conscious effort to put the child and his needs first and to try to interact in the healthiest way as is possible.
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I struggled greatly with truly and completely getting over my husband's affair, but I am now myself again. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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